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[Greta Christina] My Partner Cheated On Me With Their Right Hand

Friday, 8 May 2009

 

Will someone please explain this to me?

Because I do not get it at all.

I’m talking about masturbation jealousy. I’m talking about people who get jealous, not when their partners get attracted to other people, not when their partners look at porn starring other people, but when their partners masturbate. And I mean seriously jealous. Not “a little twinge of weirdness” jealous; not “I know this is irrational but I just can’t help feeling this way” jealous. I mean, “This is legitimately hurtful and threatening to me, it’s a violation of sexual trust, and I expect you to stop it” jealous.

And I do not get it at all.

Admittedly, I’m not necessarily the best person to ask about jealousy. I tend to rank fairly far down on the jealousy scale; to me, the fact that my partner gets interested in other people seems pretty normal, and not a particularly big deal. But it’s not like I don’t get it at all. I’m human. I get twinges. And I’ve felt serious, hard-core jealousy before, in bad relationships with people I didn’t trust and shouldn’t have. It’s not like the emotion is alien to me.

But getting jealous of your partner masturbating? That, I am totally baffled by. I’m trying to figure it out. And I might need someone to explain it to me.

Let’s take a closer look at jealousy for a moment. We tend to think of jealousy as a single emotion. But I don’t think that’s so. I think it’s more accurate to think of jealousy as a stew of different emotions. It’s part fear — fear that your partner will leave you for someone else. It’s part insecurity — insecurity about your own value and desirability in comparison to someone else. It’s part hurt feelings — hurt feelings of being unwanted, rejected, left out. And it’s part just flat-out controlling possessiveness — the feeling that your partner’s sexuality belongs to you now, and that they shouldn’t have any sexual feelings or experiences that don’t involve you.

Now.

Which of these feelings have anything at all to do with a partner masturbating?

It’s almost certainly not fear. It’s not impossible, I suppose; but I highly doubt that very many people are genuinely afraid that their partner will leave them to pursue more masturbation.

And for much the same reason, I don’t think it’s insecurity. Are there people in the world who are anxious about their partner whacking off and making unflattering comparisons? Are there people in the world who are genuinely concerned that, compared to a vibrator or a right hand and a jar of Vaseline, they just don’t stack up? Maybe. But I’m skeptical.

What about hurt feelings? Possibly. In the same way that some people feel rejected or left out if their partner eats dinner without them, goes to a movie without them, has a drink with colleagues after work without them, there may well be some people who feel rejected or left out if their partner has an orgasm without them.

But my money’s on possessiveness and control.

I speculate (and I will freely admit that this is speculation, it’s not like I’ve done a peer- reviewed study or anything) that 90% of jealousy over masturbation has to do with the idea that, once you get into a relationship with someone, their sexuality should be 100% focused on you. It’s not just that they shouldn’t have sex with other people, shouldn’t look at other people, shouldn’t maintain friendships with people they’ve had sex with in the past. They shouldn’t even have sex with themselves. They shouldn’t enjoy their bodies, and their bodies’ capacity for sexual pleasure, if you’re not there. Their sexuality belongs to you now. According to this way of thinking, that’s just part of the implicit contract of a relationship.

And this, I think, is why it baffles me.

I get the other parts of jealousy. I get being afraid that you’re going to be left for someone else. I get feeling insecure about your attractiveness, and feeling anxious about being compared to other people. I even get feeling hurt and rejected if you’re not included in something that you care about and want to be a part of. These aren’t always the most useful emotions in a relationship, but they’re certainly human, and they’re certainly understandable. And they can be dealt with, in a variety of creative ways.

But I absolutely do not get the part about how being in a relationship means diverting every milliliter of your sexuality towards your partner — and how any divergence from this is tantamount to betrayal. I think that’s just loony-tunes. What’s more, it’s loony-tunes in a way that’s singularly inflexible, impenetrable to negotiation or processing or reason.

And I think that’s what expecting your partner not to masturbate — and getting jealous when they do — amounts to.

I think. I could be wrong. I really don’t get this. Can somebody explain it to me?

Please note: I’m not talking about the “My partner masturbates all the time and we never have sex together anymore” situation. That’s different.

Greta Christina, copyright © 2009.

Comments

Musings

[flowerflautist.livejournal.com]

I'm not entirely sure, as I wouldn't have an issue with it myself. But in general I think that people aren't just self-centered and controlling (note, I'm often wrong in that theory but I'm stickin' with it anyways).

I think the issue is probably more of a misunderstanding. Some people don't understand masturbation as a concept (weren't really exposed to it as a normal thing...didn't ever really do it themselves), and they feel like the only reason someone would resort to that is if they are otherwise unsatisfied. Which of course implies that they are not fulfilling their partner's needs, which would cause hurt feelings all around.

Other than that...maybe they just have a stronger manifestation of that kinda inexplicable feeling weird about it.

*shrugs*

Re: Musings

[rosered32.livejournal.com]

Okay... I am distracted by the sweetness of your current icon.(I love it as a wonderful picture of you!)

But back to what you actually said... I can see your point. I just read this posting and having had this conversation with a few of my married male friends and how their wives really get bothered by the men masturbating when the wives are not interested in sex... well yeah.

But if a person feels it is wrong in general, there is an issue to look at for that person. It is not something we as Americans speak about but we should. In General, masturbation can be relaxing and probably has nothing to do with the relationship one may be in, but it could also be an way to deal with feelings of desire not being met by ones partner or when ones partner is not in the mood or available. We can't turn ourselves on or off at the same time as our partner all the time. We can try, but we may have times when we are in the mood and they may not be. So... I say if it is your own right hand, then go for it. I think I would be bothered more if it were some one else's right hand , unless we were in an open relationship and well that is just a whole other conversation...

Thanks for expressing your opinion. I love hearing what others may say on this.

PS: May is Nation Masturbation Month!

[juice-weasel.livejournal.com]

I don't get it. I've never actually heard of people getting jealous of their partners masturbations. Lucky for me too, since I do it a lot. When alone or with a partner that happens to not be in the mood and they just let me go ahead and do it.

Peace...

Re: Musings

[kairiwitch.livejournal.com]

>>But in general I think that people aren't just self-centered and controlling (note, I'm often wrong in that theory but I'm stickin' with it anyways).<<

Em, this is one of the many reasons i just adore you. :o)