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10 "Self-Help" Books That Should Not Exist
Posted at 5:00 AM Jan 07, 2009
By Kathleen WillcoxFun fact: type "self help" into Google and you'll get about 70,000,000 results. Why are we so eager to make over our lives, our partners, our pet goats?
Maybe it's the whole "Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness" thing, though I'm confident our forefathers didn't intend their Declaration to spawn a roughly $8.6 billion self-improvement plague. Learn to hug your inner child, build a yurt or lose 21 Pounds in 21 Days, all for the bargain price of $16.47. It's quicker and cheaper than actually consulting a doctor or shrink.
Is it all a SHAM? No. But in addition to fending off obvious offenders like Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, The Game, and The Mystery Method, we're faced with a deluge of patently preposterous offerings from Amazon.com (183,789 and counting), not to mention women's mags and the airwaves. Here then, is our list of the 10 silliest, most nefarious and glaringly superfluous.
10. Chicken Soup for the American Idol Soul, by Jack Canfield
ZOMG you guys, can you smell that? The book for Everyone Who Believes in a Dream is finally here! Try not to slurp down the tepid, monosodium glutamate-infused, salmonella-soaked, antibiotic-and-hormone injected concoction in one sitting. Once the Carrie Underwood, Clay Aiken and Sanjaya Malakar sections have ripped out chunks of your soul with the sheer power of their screechy vibratos, leave some for the producers, stylists, judges and yes -- fans.
9. Why Men Marry Bitches: A Woman's Guide to Winning Her Man's Heart, by Sherry Argov
Yikes, someone sounds bitter. In this how-to guide to becoming one of the evil, materialistic wenches you've always despised, Argov's "77 principles" serve up a Machiavellian M.O. (pretend to be inexperienced in the sack, constantly ask yourself "What's in it for me?," never ever let your vulnerable side show, refuse to move in with him until the Big Fat White Wedding, etc.) that may actually work. If your goal is to marry a spineless loser and walk all over his gelatinous back in spike-heeled Manolo Blahniks until the inevitable divorce, that is. Mazel tov!
8. Sink Reflections, by Marla Cilley
"Do you feel overwhelmed, overextended, and overdrawn? Hopeless and you don't know where to start?" the self-dubbed FlyLady's hideously cluttered Web site screams. Then it's probably time to call a suicide hotline or at the very least, your BFF, not buy a book by a nutbar with de-cluttering tips like "take a garbage bag and walk through your home and throw away 27 items. Do not stop until you have collected all 27 items. Then close the garbage bag and pitch it. DO NOT LOOK IN IT!!! Just do it." Just sayin'.
7. Bombproof Your Horse: Teach Your Horse to Be Confident, Obedient, and Safe, No Matter What You Encounter, by Rick Pelicano and Lauren Tjaden
The self-esteem movement doesn't just want to perk up humans. It must address the woeful lack of confidence found in animals, too. Also: you never know when and where bombs may strike during your horseback ride. Best to purchase this book just in case.
6. Sex for Dummies, by Ruth K. Westheimer
Dr. Ruth, how could you? The adorable, if quirky, sex doc -- a woman armed with no-nonsense one-liners like "an orgasm is just a reflex like a sneeze" -- is the last person I'd peg for a For Dummies booster. Unblushingly moronic people who haven't figured out the birds-and-bees basics (like hygiene and avoiding STDs, sections covered in the book) and who feel intimidated by the genuinely educational Joy of Sex probably shouldn't be making whoopie at all. Because when dum dums have sex, bad things happen.
5. When a Mate Wants Out: Secrets for Saving a Marriage, by Sally and Jim Conway
If tying your partner to the bed and hooking up a feeding tube and catheter seems too time-intensive and icky, try plugging your ears and screaming "La la la la I can't hear you!" when he/she expresses a desire to leave. If that fails, there's always promising you will be his bitch in the kitchen and the bedroom, lose 20 pounds, look the other way when he cheats and sunnily and enthusiastically agree that his shit does in fact smell like roses. Anything to avoid the pathetic life of a spinster!!
4. Bliss to You: Trixie's Guide to a Happy Life, by Trixie and Dean Koontz
Anthropomorphize much? This book is the perfect trifecta of sap, corn and creepiness. And even deranged dog lovers (like yours truly) would agree that finding their personal route to happiness by emulating a Golden Retriever (frequent meals and naps aside) is as dopey as Trixie's furry little grin. Fair-to-middling sci-fi writer Koontz and his wife have imbued their precious pup with a folksy, down-home "follow your heart" wisdom that does a disservice to her essential, lovely dogginess -- not to mention readers' intelligence.
3. If You Want Closure in Your Relationship, Start With Your Legs, by Big Boom
Just what women need: another "tough love" guide written by a man who requires hundreds of pages to superciliously inform her that if she weren't such a raging hobag, she'd totally have scored Mr. Right by now. Chock full of such startling never-seen-the-light-o'-day revelations such as "respect yourself and he'll respect you," "don't give it up too soon" and "cheaters don't change," this book might actually help Paris Hilton, but, uh, that's about it.
2. How To Love a Black Man, by Ronn Elmore
By the same author: How To Not Be a White Supremacist; How To Talk To the Asians; How To Pet a Kitty.
Dear reader, are you ready to be referred to as a "total moron," a "lazy shit," a "fat pig" and a "dumb-ass"? And while you're at it, be browbeaten into adopting a strictly vegan diet while having your worst fears and insecurities about your body preyed on by a former model and modeling agent with absolutely no medical or food science credentials? Than this -- and the rest of their disgustingly bloated, witchy empire of books and exercise DVDs -- is the diet book for you!
