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Even when we try our best to understand our partner’s point of view on things, our minds must make up some of the murky details to get a full panoramic picture. These imagined details may seem unimportant in the grand scheme of a relationship, but in fact they hold the key to many a couple’s “unsuccessful” communication styles.
Over time, these unintentional lapses of understanding build up to the point where we flat-out make assumptions about the meaning behind our partner’s words. This pattern will manifest itself just about anywhere. As an illustrative example, a lover might say something as innocuous as, “You’re late.” Such a simple statement, just two words that detail one specific fact.
The thing is, the words, “You’re late” don’t simply mean, “Hey there lovely, I just looked up and noticed that you are late. Doesn’t matter, just wanted to point that out.” No, indeedy.
What the late person might hear, in addition to the statement, is some form of meta-communication from their partner. They might hear, “You always fuck up when I am counting on you.” They might hear, “Just where the hell have you been?” and “I don’t trust you” and “If you are fucking around on me I’ll kick you out.” They might hear any number of things that may or may not be an accurate representation of what the speaker intended.
The speaker holds their own separate intentions around their words. They, too, must filter actions through a lens (the lateness) to arrive at some sort of emotional conclusion about what to make of it (the feeling). The conclusion will trigger some sort of emotional response that will color their words (the meaning). Still with me here?
So, the speaker might mean any number of things by their comment about lateness. For example, they could feel that if the late person cared more about them, s/he would have shown up on time. The words, “You’re late” are therefore really intended to communicate, “I feel like you don’t love me enough.”
The partner who has been left waiting is reaching out for reassurance while simultaneously the late partner is running from the attack. There can be no resolution in the middle because each person is having his or her own experience and they zing past one another on a private trip to their own assumptions.
Where does this leave us?
Rejected. Confused. Abandoned.
This type of miscommunication is imbedded into all relationships. I would argue that nearly all fights in relationships can be boiled down to misunderstood signals. We do the best we can to get what our partners our “telling” us by filling in the rest of the details ourselves.
I want to be sure not to dismiss the fact that the rest of these details are largely constructed from the messages we’ve internalized from our families of origin and past relationships. That said, we have the responsibility to move beyond those patterns to form our own way of “doing” relationships that are healthier and more fulfilling.
How do we do that?
I’ll warn you in advance that the homework involved with this lesson sounds incredibly easy but is, in fact, terribly challenging to practice. That said, all good communicators use their personalized version of a “process comment.”
What is this magical tool?
A process comment is a simple noticing of what is going on between the arguing parties with the content of the disagreement removed. It is a remark upon the intensity of emotion, what is going on in the room, someone’s body posture, or a stab at the covert content in the word-laden exchange.
Using our example of the late lover from above, a great process comment could have been made by either party by checking in with, “You seem more angry/disappointed than I expected. Can we take a step back together and figure this out together?” Process comments are best used in the context of a working alliance where everyone involved agrees to stick around and to strive towards resolution.
Sound cheesy? I’ll give you that. But process comments allow a couple in the heat of the moment to use their emotions as information to what is really going on. The language can be adapted in any number of ways so that it can be used in a meaningful manner. It won’t do if the words feel forced. Someone has to be fully committed to wondering about where the communication veered off in some direction, who might have gotten the wrong message, or what vulnerabilities are at stake behind the veil of any particular argument.
Ideally checking in with one another could happen mid-event, but this takes quite a lot of self-control to step aside from your own point of view and hurt feelings to be objective. It’s a skill that can get better at with practice but we have to be willing to risk open communication and being vulnerable with one another, and with ourselves, in order to make it work.
Speaking about being open (but on a much different note), I want to be the first to inform you that this is my last installment (at least for now) of the Blowfish Couple’s Couch. It has been a pleasure working through this material with you and reading your comments has been enlightening every step of the way. Perhaps I will pop my blowfishie head out of some other funhouse door in the future. I have a feeling the Blowfish Tank will always be home for me.
Keep on talking it out, loving one another, and, as always, Happy Playing!
— Rebekah Skoor, MA
I really liked this article and wanted to share...
Over time, these unintentional lapses of understanding build up to the point where we flat-out make assumptions about the meaning behind our partner’s words. This pattern will manifest itself just about anywhere. As an illustrative example, a lover might say something as innocuous as, “You’re late.” Such a simple statement, just two words that detail one specific fact.
The thing is, the words, “You’re late” don’t simply mean, “Hey there lovely, I just looked up and noticed that you are late. Doesn’t matter, just wanted to point that out.” No, indeedy.
What the late person might hear, in addition to the statement, is some form of meta-communication from their partner. They might hear, “You always fuck up when I am counting on you.” They might hear, “Just where the hell have you been?” and “I don’t trust you” and “If you are fucking around on me I’ll kick you out.” They might hear any number of things that may or may not be an accurate representation of what the speaker intended.
The speaker holds their own separate intentions around their words. They, too, must filter actions through a lens (the lateness) to arrive at some sort of emotional conclusion about what to make of it (the feeling). The conclusion will trigger some sort of emotional response that will color their words (the meaning). Still with me here?
So, the speaker might mean any number of things by their comment about lateness. For example, they could feel that if the late person cared more about them, s/he would have shown up on time. The words, “You’re late” are therefore really intended to communicate, “I feel like you don’t love me enough.”
The partner who has been left waiting is reaching out for reassurance while simultaneously the late partner is running from the attack. There can be no resolution in the middle because each person is having his or her own experience and they zing past one another on a private trip to their own assumptions.
Where does this leave us?
Rejected. Confused. Abandoned.
This type of miscommunication is imbedded into all relationships. I would argue that nearly all fights in relationships can be boiled down to misunderstood signals. We do the best we can to get what our partners our “telling” us by filling in the rest of the details ourselves.
I want to be sure not to dismiss the fact that the rest of these details are largely constructed from the messages we’ve internalized from our families of origin and past relationships. That said, we have the responsibility to move beyond those patterns to form our own way of “doing” relationships that are healthier and more fulfilling.
How do we do that?
I’ll warn you in advance that the homework involved with this lesson sounds incredibly easy but is, in fact, terribly challenging to practice. That said, all good communicators use their personalized version of a “process comment.”
What is this magical tool?
A process comment is a simple noticing of what is going on between the arguing parties with the content of the disagreement removed. It is a remark upon the intensity of emotion, what is going on in the room, someone’s body posture, or a stab at the covert content in the word-laden exchange.
Using our example of the late lover from above, a great process comment could have been made by either party by checking in with, “You seem more angry/disappointed than I expected. Can we take a step back together and figure this out together?” Process comments are best used in the context of a working alliance where everyone involved agrees to stick around and to strive towards resolution.
Sound cheesy? I’ll give you that. But process comments allow a couple in the heat of the moment to use their emotions as information to what is really going on. The language can be adapted in any number of ways so that it can be used in a meaningful manner. It won’t do if the words feel forced. Someone has to be fully committed to wondering about where the communication veered off in some direction, who might have gotten the wrong message, or what vulnerabilities are at stake behind the veil of any particular argument.
Ideally checking in with one another could happen mid-event, but this takes quite a lot of self-control to step aside from your own point of view and hurt feelings to be objective. It’s a skill that can get better at with practice but we have to be willing to risk open communication and being vulnerable with one another, and with ourselves, in order to make it work.
Speaking about being open (but on a much different note), I want to be the first to inform you that this is my last installment (at least for now) of the Blowfish Couple’s Couch. It has been a pleasure working through this material with you and reading your comments has been enlightening every step of the way. Perhaps I will pop my blowfishie head out of some other funhouse door in the future. I have a feeling the Blowfish Tank will always be home for me.
Keep on talking it out, loving one another, and, as always, Happy Playing!
— Rebekah Skoor, MA
I really liked this article and wanted to share...
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*grin*
Date: 2008-03-19 10:20 pm (UTC)From:B: Why don't we take a step back and figure this out together?
K: Because I am not done being irrational!
Re: *grin*
Date: 2008-03-20 12:18 am (UTC)From:BTW did you attend the Padre's wedding? Did I miss your smiling face?
Well it was lovely. Ask the ladies they will tell you. And Michelle didn't have to dive at me to prevent me from talking/making a toast. I didn't feel the need.=)
Hugs